Alberto R. Timm
Seductive attractions between two people not married to each other can vary significantly in nature, form, and intensity, but they are far more common than people typically admit. The Normal Bar, the world’s most extensive survey of people’s sexual and emotional lives, shows that “61% of women and 90% of men fantasize sexually about people they meet.”1 But such fantasies can easily escalate from mere thoughts to enchanting imagination, overwhelming desires, irreversible decisions, and high-risk actions. Some people simply choose to have an intimate physical affair outside of marriage, regardless of the consequences it might have. Others take a more cautious approach, preferring to nourish a less perceivable emotional affair.
The Sexual Intelligence Project discovered that forty-five percent of those who cheated on their partners did so without forethought. In other words, the affair was not planned—it “just happened.” They we re driven by their sexual feelings without fully understanding the toll the affair would take on them and the important relationships in their lives. In hindsight, many cheating spouses would have rather kept their sexual feelings under control than to see “the full impact of their infidelity on their partner—the terrible pain, the sense of betrayal, the loss of trust.”2 Some people who cheated on their partners or were cheated by them even qualify infidelity as a pain worse than death.
Several helpful books address this extremely important and complex issue.3 Some try to help those who are hurt by an affair.4 Others are intended to build healthy relationships that are able to withstand seductive temptations.5 This article examines the subject of sex outside of marriage from a biblical–moral perspective. Scriptural teachings and stories provide helpful suggestions on how to build affair-resistant relationships.
The Bible deals with the matter of sex outside of marriage by intermingling moral commands with practical counsels on how to live a life of moral integrity. Almost all the commands and counsels surround the foundational moral commandment, “You shall not commit adultery” (Exod 20:14; Deut 5:18; cf. Matt 5:27; 19:18; Rom 13:9).6 The phrase “commit adultery” (Heb. na’ap; LXX and Gk. moicheuĊ) has been defined in different ways. For example, one author applies it only to “sexual intercourse between a man, married or not, and a married woman who is not his wife.” So for this author, “a married man is free to cohabit with whomever he likes, provided he does not infringe on another man’s conjugal rights.”7
By contrast, James K. Bruckner sees this commandment as bearing a much broader meaning. He argues,
The prohibition against adultery generally defends the integrity and emotional stability of the family for the sake of the children, wife, and husband. It preserves the trust that is foundational to healthy family relationships. The integrity of the family protects the most vulnerable in society, the children, whose emotional security is always at risk.8
Yet Carol Meyers points out how to unfold that meaning: “This succinct precept proscribes sex outside of marriage. But for whom? The prohibition of adultery does not specify, and it is only by looking at other biblical texts that the range of adulterous behaviors can be ascertained.”9
Undeniably, the adultery prohibition assumes a much broader scope and a far richer meaning if understood in light of the other moral instructions of the Pentateuch. For instance, Leviticus 18 outlines the boundaries of biblical sexuality by condemning not only incest and sexual relations with close relatives (Lev 18:6–17) but also polygamy (Lev 18:18), adultery (Lev 18:20), homosexuality (Lev 18:22), and bestiality (Lev 18:23).10 Deuteronomy 22 highlights virginity and condemns premarital sex (Deut 22:13–21), adultery with another’s man wife (Deut 22:22), fornication with a betrothed woman (Deut 22:23–24), rape (Deut 22:25–29), and incest (Deut 22:30).11
Some of the most eloquent warnings against physical and emotional infidelity are found in Proverbs 5–7. In these chapters seduction is associated with physical beauty, eyelids, special clothing and perfume, voice inflection, and persuasive words. Warning against a seductress, the author states, “Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes” (Prov 6:25), and keep “from your neighbor’s wife, from the smooth talk of a wayward woman” (Prov 6:24) “for the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil” (Prov 5:3). After a passionate kiss (Prov 7:13), she will use religious language to disarm you with her seductive speech:
Today I fulfilled my vows,
and I have food from my fellowship offering at home.
So I came out to meet you;
I looked for you and have found you!
I have covered my bed
with colored linens from Egypt.
I have perfumed my bed
with myrrh, aloes and cinnamon.
Come, let’s drink deeply of love till morning;
let’s enjoy ourselves with love!
My husband is not at home;
he has gone on a long journey.
He took his purse filled with money
and will not be home till full moon (Prov 7:14–20).
Despite the allure, the extramarital affair is considered “a highway to the grave, leading down to the chambers of death” (Prov 7:27). The one who has an extramarital affair is compared to a gazelle in the hand of the hunter, a bird in the snare of the fowler (Prov 6:5), an ox that goes to the slaughter, “a deer stepping into a noose” (Prov 7:22), someone struck in the liver by an arrow, and “a bird darting into a snare” (Prov 7:23). Thus, the natural conclusion is that “a man who commits adultery has no sense; whoever does so destroys himself” (Prov 6:32).
In addition to those warnings, the author also recommends at least four practical strategies to preserve moral purity. One is to strengthen the romantic love of one’s own marriage. The author states:
May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife?
Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman? (Prov 5:18–20).
Another strategy is to maintain physical distance from a seductive temptation. The author warns, “Keep to a path far from her [the seductress], do not go near the door of her house” (Prov 5:8), and do not “stray into her paths” (Prov 7:25). A third strategy is to exercise emotional control. “Do not let your heart turn to her ways,” he cautions (Prov 7:25). “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life” (Prov 4:23, NRSV). The last but not least strategy is to be always aware of God’s divine presence. The author affirms, “For your ways are in full view of the Lord, and he examines all your paths” (Prov 5:21).
Noticeably, the prophet Malachi underscores faithfulness to the marriage vow, acknowledging God Himself as the true witness to the marriage covenant. First, the prophet declares, “The Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant” (Mal 2:14). And then he warns, “So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth” (Mal 2:15). Although this passage explicitly admonishes the husband to be faithful to his wife, the same principle is also applicable to the wife, who must be likewise faithful to her husband.
In His Sermon on the Mount, Christ revealed the mental and emotional dimensions of the “You shall not commit adultery” commandment (Exod 20:14). He stated, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matt 5:27–29). This statement is both a fulfillment of the messianic promise, “I will put my law in their minds, and write it on their hearts” (Jer 31:33; cf. Heb 8:10; 10:16), and a recognition of the mental source of moral infidelity—“for it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person” (Mark 7:21–23; cf. Matt 15:19–20). Since thoughts generate emotions that result in actions, the battle for moral purity (see Jas 4:7–10) has to be fought at the mental level in order to prevent sinful actions from taking place.
The apostle Paul speaks of true Christians as those who imitate Christ (1 Cor 11:1) and have “the mind of Christ” (1 Cor 2:16). Mental purity is also implied in Philippians 4:8:
Finally, believers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable and worthy of respect, whatever is right and confirmed by God’s word, whatever is pure and wholesome, whatever is lovely and brings peace, whatever is admirable and of good repute; if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think continually on these things [center your mind on them, and implant them in your heart] (Phil 4:8, AMP).
Paul suggests another elucidative perspective of extramarital affairs while referring to the human body as a “sanctuary of the Holy Spirit” (1 Cor 6:19) and a member of Christ (1 Cor 6:15). Recognizing that through sexual intimacy two people “become one flesh” (Gen 2:24), Paul explains that extramarital affairs not only unlawfully unite the bodies of those involved in such affairs, but also destroy their own relationship with the Lord. He argues forcefully,
Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit (1 Cor 6:15–17).
These concepts provide a helpful moral framework to better understand the illicit affairs described in the Bible—case studies, if you will, that “were written down as warnings for us” (1 Cor 10:11).
The Bible catalogs a range of affair-related cases that tend to escalate within a thought-imagination-desire-decision-action affair-progression model. In other words, thoughts escalate to imagination, then to desire, subsequently to decision, and finally to action. One author explains, “Sex is all in our heads, quite literally. Our brains are involved in all steps of sexual behavior and in all its variations, from feelings of sexual desire and partner choice, to arousal, orgasm and even post-coital cuddling.”12 No wonder the biblical concept of true “repentance” (Gk. metanoia) implies a proactive change of mind that stops sinful thoughts from escalating into sinful actions.
This section deals specifically with three eye-opening case studies— Potiphar’s wife and Joseph (Gen 39:6–18), King David and Bathsheba (2 Sam 11), and Amnon and Tamar (2 Sam 13). From the perspective of the aforementioned affair-progression model, one can easily see that all three aggressors aimed to materialize their sensual imaginations into sexual affairs, but their respective victims did not have the same intentions.
Potiphar’s Wife and Joseph
The classic example of overcoming sexual temptation at the thought level is Joseph’s persistent rejection of the seductive entreaties of Potiphar’s wife, as described in Genesis 39:6–18. “This was not a one-and-done event, or some impetuous suggestion she may have regretted later.” It was indeed “a daily temptation, not easily dismissed.”13
Almost all the circumstances in this story favored an affair between Joseph and Potiphar’s wife. On one side was Joseph, a handsome, single young man living in a foreign country far away from his family.14 Undoubtedly, Joseph had his own emotional and physical needs, and no one from his family circle was overseeing his private life. On the other hand was his master’s wife casting “longing eyes” (Gen 39:7, NKJV) and “day after day” trying to seduce him “to go to bed with her” (Gen 39:10). But one day when they were alone, the temptation came “so sudden, so strong, so seductive”15 that “she caught him by his cloak and said, ‘Come to bed with me!’” (Gen 39:12). Without any excuses or rationalizations, “he left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house” (Gen 39:12). How was Joseph able to overcome temptation under such alluring and compelling circumstances?
The Bible narrative provides helpful insights that answer this question. First, Joseph went into the house “to attend to his duties” (Gen 39:11), without exposing himself voluntarily to temptation. Second, when Potiphar’s wife began seducing him, Joseph explained to her that he would never ever have such an affair, which would mean not only betrayal of his master—her husband—but also betrayal and “sin against God” (Gen 39:8–9). His “answer was quick, well reasoned, and decisive, but it also needed to be persistent.”16 Joseph’s emotional faithfulness allowed him to remain physically faithful at that most crucial moment. Had he allowed his mind to become sensualized, he would have been morally vulnerable and without the needed strength to overcome temptation.
As in many love stories—the story of Joseph and Potiphar’s wife included—passion and hate are never far from each other. Frustrated by unrequited love, the emotional pendulum of the seductress moved rapidly from extreme passion for Joseph to extreme hate for him, eventually falsely accusing Joseph for her own immoral behavior (Gen 39:13–18). Joseph could have avoided that constraining situation by returning her amorous entreaties, but it would most certainly have ended his career in Egypt, not to mention that such an offense could incur the death penalty.17 Undeniably, the Joseph narrative is an inspiring story of loyalty and moral purity in the midst of the most compelling circumstances and tragic consequences.
King David and Bathsheba
In contrast to the inspiring story of Joseph, 2 Samuel 11 describes the scenario of King David’s disgraceful affair with Bathsheba. One author suggests this incident is part of a literary triad including Bathsheba (2 Sam 11–12), Tamar (2 Sam 13), and the woman of Tekoa (2 Sam 14), and ends up fulfilling Samuel’s warning that a king would “take your daughters” to serve him (1 Sam 8:13).18
Bathsheba’s coming to the king in obedience to his command results in a sexual encounter not because she is initiating a sexual encounter, but because he has already initiated it, using his power as king to send and to take her, a combination of power acts which is often associated with the use of force to make people do what they do not want to do. Ironically, Bathsheba is an honorable Israelite woman who should have been able to expect the king to do justice to use his power to protect her from violation, both physical and moral. Kings are supposed to keep the people safe, especially loyal subjects such as Uriah, Eliam, and Bathsheba.19
But instead of protecting Bathsheba, King David adulterously exploited her. Second Samuel 11 tells us that one evening David went to the roof of his palace, from where he saw a very beautiful woman bathing (2 Sam 11:2). Instead of averting his gaze and thereby checking his emotions, David proceeded down the affair continuum to desire, decision, and eventually action. First, he tried “to find out about her” and was informed that she was the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite (2 Sam 11:3). Taking advantage of the fact that her husband was away on a military campaign, David requested that she be brought to his palace, where he slept with her and even got her pregnant (2 Sam 11:4–5).
In an attempt to cover up his shameful deed David ordered that Uriah return home from the battlefield. He then personally tried to convince Uriah to go home and spend some time with his wife. Having been away for quite some time, David assumed that Uriah most certainly would end up having sex with his wife, which could justify her recent pregnancy. But the strategy did not work out as planned, and “Uriah slept at the entrance to the palace with all his master’s servants” (2 Sam 11:6–9), insisting that he would never go home to eat, drink, and “make love” to his wife while his colleagues were “camped in the open country” (2 Sam 11:10–11). David would not be deterred by Uriah’s integrity. David urged him to stay one more day, and even “made him drunk,” surmising that the inebriated soldier would instinctively go home and have sex with his wife. But even under such conditions, Uriah remained faithful to his commitment (2 Sam 11:12–13). Drink could not dull his reasoning power or sense of honor.
Frustrated with his failed attempts, David sent Uriah back to the battlefield carrying with him a letter containing his own death sentence. Addressed to commander Joab, David’s letter requested that Uriah be placed at the very frontline of the battle to “be struck down and die” (2 Sam 11:14–15). The request was carried out, and the news of Uriah’s death pleased the king (2 Sam 11:16–25). When Bathsheba “heard that her husband was dead, she mourned for him,” after which “David had her brought to his house, and she became his wife” (2 Sam 11:26–27). But the biblical record says that “the thing David had done displeased the Lord” (2 Sam 11:27), and his sinful misbehavior was punished by the death of the son he had with Bathsheba (2 Sam 12:1–25).
Several lessons can be learned from this sad story. First, we should never forget that tiny sparks can become very destructive fires. This whole sad episode began with David’s uncontrolled sensual imagination. Second, one never knows exactly how such a story will end. In this specific case, the unpredictable path David followed led to an unexpected pregnancy, a horrific murder, and the destruction of a marriage. A third lesson to be learned is that sin has a destructive domino effect. The transgression of any moral commandment opens the door to other forms of moral disobedience. In the process of transforming Bathsheba into a desirable sexual idol, David continually made immoral choices— coveting his neighbor’s wife, committing adultery with her, trying to lie about her pregnancy, betraying the confidence of her husband, and then—frighteningly—ordering him to be murdered (cf. Exod 20:3, 13–17). This tragic sinful path undermined David’s moral leadership within his own family, and the nation at large.
Amnon and Tamar
The Bible record states that David married several wives (1 Sam 18–19; 2 Sam 3:2–5; 5:13; 2 Sam 11:1–17; 1 Chr 3:1–3) and had many children with them (1 Chr 3:1–9). The oldest of them was Amnon, son of Ahinoam of Jezreel (1 Chr 3:1). The only daughter mentioned by name is Tamar, sister of Absalom (2 Sam 13:1), both of whom were children of Maakah (1 Chr 3:2). Thus, Amnon and Tamar were David’s children by different wives.
Second Samuel 13 explains that Amnon fell in love with his beautiful and virgin half sister Tamar, and became so obsessed with her that “he made himself ill” (2 Sam 13:1–2). Poorly advised by his cousin Jonadab, Amnon laid down and pretended to be ill. When David came to see him, Amnon requested to be served by Tamar. She prepared some food and brought it to the house of Amnon, who was lying down. Requesting that everyone else should leave the place, Amnon asked Tamar to bring the food into his bedroom to eat from her own hand. But when she was close to him, he grabbed her and said, “Come to bed with me, my sister” (2 Sam 13:3–11).
Tamar was a woman of moral principle. She replied,
No, my brother! … Don’t force me! Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don’t do this wicked thing. What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you (2 Sam 13:12–13).
But Amnon did not care about her, and “since he was stronger than she, he raped her” (2 Sam 13:14).
When the act was over, Amnon “hated her more than he had loved her,” and simply sent her away (2 Sam 13:15). Tamar even pleaded with him, “No! … Sending me away would be a greater wrong than what you have already done to me” (2 Sam 13:16). But he did not listen to her, and asked his personal servant to put her out and bolt the door after her. She then put ashes on her head, tore the ornate robe she was wearing, and went away—weeping aloud—to live in her brother Absalom’s house as a desolate woman (2 Sam 13:16–20). The biblical record says that David “was furious” about what happened, but did not do anything about it. Yet her brother Absalom, although never saying a word to Amnon, did not forgive him for having disgraced Tamar’s life (2 Sam 13:21–22). Two years later, Absalom organized a sheepshearers’ celebration in which his men killed Amnon for what he had done to Tamar (2 Sam 13:23–39).
One of the sobering lessons of this story is that passionate love can very easily morph into irrational hate. In many cases, romantic dating and passionate interludes remain intoxicating up to the moment when that which is forbidden takes place. Then, feelings of guilt and revulsion take over. Another lesson to be learned is that unforgiven sins (and sometimes even forgiven ones) have their respective wages that sooner or later have to be paid (cf. Gen 4:7; Rom 6:23). Two years after raping his own sister, Amnon unexpectedly paid those wages with his own life. Undoubtedly, David could have provided a better moral example for his family had he not followed the path of polygamy and had he not committed that abhorrent adultery with Bathsheba.
Not all love stories have such seductive appeals as Potiphar’s wife to Joseph, or have such a disastrous end as David’s adultery with Bathsheba or Amnon’s rape of Tamar. Regardless of its intensity and consequences, every affair outside of marriage is a departure from God’s moral standards and bears its own negative consequences. Sometimes both partners are able to keep a mutual pledge to conceal an affair for the rest of their respective lives, but in many cases one of them ends up revealing the affair to a third party. Even if this does not happen, an affair typically negatively affects the participants’ relationships with their spouses. In other cases, the affair is discovered and disclosed by someone else. Regardless of what may be the final outcome, never forget that though you may run away from others you can never run from yourself. According to the well-known French proverb, “There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience.”
We live in a sensualized and sexualized world with many tempting appeals, similar to those in the days of Noah (Matt 24:37–39; Luke 17:26–27). It is not surprising that evolutionary biologists and psychologists regard heterosexual monogamy as an obsolete religious taboo.20 But we are encouraged by God’s Word to live above the standards of this world (John 17:14–16; Rom 12:2), keeping our hands clean and our own hearts pure (Ps 24:4). The following eight principles can help us build strong affair-resistant relationships.
Recognize Your Own Vulnerability
Greek mythology describes the hero Achilles as having an immortalized body with a mortal heel. During the Trojan War, Achilles supposedly played a crucial role, but was fatally wounded in his heel by a poisoned arrow shot by Paris and guided to its target by the god Apollo.21 That was the end of this “immortal” figure.
Every human being has his or her own moral “Achilles heel” that needs to be well guarded, and his or her own level of vulnerability that should never be breached. Many people fall morally by considering themselves stronger than they really are. Temptation is indeed too subtle and persuasive to be played with. In reality, “the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (Jer 17:9).
Keep Emotions Under Control
Almost all physical affairs are preceded by romantic relationships and emotional infidelity outside of marriage. Such romantic or emotional preludes can include interpersonal relations, pornographic exposure, internet dating, sensual fantasies, or anything else that makes the individual emotionally vulnerable.
For this reason we are warned, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life” (Prov 4:23, NRSV). Job declared, “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman” (Job 31:1). The Stoic philosopher Epictetus (AD 55–135) alerted, “Chastise your passions, that they may not chastise you.”22 Ellen White declares,
Strength of character consists of two things—power of will and power of self-control. Many youth mistake strong, uncontrolled passion for strength of character; but the truth is that he who is mastered by his passions is a weak man. The real greatness and nobility of the man is measured by his power to subdue his feelings, not by the power of his feelings to subdue him.23
You should keep off from Satan’s enchanted ground, and not allow your minds to be swayed from allegiance to God. Through Christ you may and should be happy, and should acquire habits of self-control. Even your thoughts must be brought into subjection to the will of God, and your feelings under the control of reason and religion. Your imagination was not given you to be allowed to run riot and have its own way, without any effort at restraint or discipline. If the thoughts are wrong, the feelings will be wrong; and the thoughts and feelings combined make up the moral character.24
Avoid Risky Places and Circumstances
In the Garden of Eden, Eve exposed herself to temptation by going to the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and even conversing with the serpent (Gen 2:15–17; 3:1–7). One of the most precarious situations is when one is alone with someone who seems more interesting and attractive than others, and when one shares parts of one’s private life with him or her. Such situations might include a close relationship at the workplace, going out together for a meal, a business trip, a carpool, or even taking a simple ride together.
In the article “8 Things Married People Should Never Do … If They Want to Stay Married!,” number 1 reads, “Never ride in a car alone with someone of the opposite sex.” Based on his own experience, the author says “car rides are times when we tend to lighten up and open up. We feel safe, and we start sharing things. You’re isolated from the world, and it gives opportunity for all kinds of trouble.”25 Many cases of romantic and even sexual infidelity grow spontaneously out of a too-close friendship between two couples from different family circles. Doing many family activities together, the male spouse of one couple and the female spouse of the other can easily develop an attraction for each other.
Set Borders and Limits for Those Who Do Not Have Them
In the stories of Joseph and Tamar, the victims revealed high moral principles and the aggressors were driven by uncontrolled passions, but the outcomes were completely different. Joseph was stronger than Potiphar’s wife and escaped from her. Tamar was more fragile than Amnon and was raped by him. Despite such contrasts, there is another important similarity: both cases occurred within family circles with people one would trust the most. Unfortunately, many cases of child sexual abuse happen within those circles as well.
Our world is full of people with unrestrained sexual impulses, sensualized minds, and unsatisfied emotional needs who do not always respect the moral borders and limits of healthy social relationships. Such people should be helped—not by meeting their expectations and satisfying their seductive desires, but by limiting their invasive behavior and helping them develop higher moral values. Joseph stated clearly to Potiphar’s wife that any kind of affair between them would mean the betrayal of his master and a “sin against God” (Gen 39:8–9). Likewise, Tamar argued forcefully with Amnon that his sexual advances were wicked and inappropriate behavior that would bring complete shame and disgrace on her life (2 Sam 13:12–13).
Value Mature Love Over Romantic Love
One author suggests that couples usually experience three stages of love.26 The first is romantic love (falling in love with) in which a couple kisses each other and goes out to see the sunset. Some have described this as a sort of Hollywood love. Lasting only for some three to six months, this stage tends to give place to disappointment and disillusionment. In the next stage, which can last several months or more, one begins to notice more clearly the faults and foibles of the other person. The third stage is mature love (being in love with), which means the acceptance of the whole person with his or her strengths and assets, faults and foibles.
Assuming that “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence,” some people confuse their own mature love with fading love, and a new romantic love with genuine love. By finding someone else who awakens the romantic love already gone from their own marriage, many people believe that they are rediscovering true love and end up replacing their old partner with this new, more seductive person. They simply forget that the new romantic love will not last forever either! The best antidote to such illusion is to understand, value, and nourish the mature love of our own marriages. As stated in Proverbs 5:18, “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.”
Realize That You Are to Some Extent Responsible for the Feelings of Others
The three provocative individuals mentioned above—Potiphar’s wife, King David, and Amnon—were egocentric people who did not care about the feelings of their respective desired partners. Potiphar’s wife ended up blaming Joseph for her own immoral behavior. King David did not want to assume Bathsheba’s pregnancy, and even destroyed her marriage. Amnon hated Tamar after he raped her. Such practices are typical of evil societies where people are simply used for pleasure, but they are absolutely reprehensible from a biblical perspective.
History has proven time and again that too much freedom for some means lack of freedom for others. As Christians we are responsible for those who suffer from social injustices (Jas 1:27; 5:4), as well as for the feelings of others (Matt 18:6). We should never ever play irresponsibly with other people’s emotions. Some people may come out of an extramarital romantic relationship or sexual affair without much guilt and remorse, but others may be emotionally damaged for the rest of their lives, feeling betrayed by a professed Christian who should have behaved like the Master (Matt 10:25). How different would our society and world be if we would develop more empathy for others and care for them as brothers and sisters in Christ.
Ask God to Replace Your Selfish Love With His Altruistic Love
According to one writer, marriage is in crisis today to a large extent because it has “lost its social function to become a source of self-gratification.”27 Undoubtedly, our modern competitive culture has generated a society of self-centered individuals. But the real problem derives from our selfish hearts (Matt 15:19; Mark 7:21–23; Gal 5:19–21), which need to be transformed by the power of God (2 Cor 5:17; Gal 5:22–24). Only a real conversion experience can bring into our lives a new perspective driven by altruistic love (Matt 5:43–48; John 13:34–35; 1 John 4:20).
White insightfully suggests,
Picture a large circle, from the edge of which are many lines all running to the center. The nearer these lines approach the center, the nearer they are to one another.
The it is in the Christian life. The closer we come to Christ, the nearer we shall be to one another. God is glorified as His people unite in harmonious action.28
Genuine Christians are filled with God’s altruistic love. Instead of using people for their own sake and pleasure, they try to uplift people for this life and for eternity. Their healthy social behavior is always marked by the motto, “Because I love you in Christ I respect you, and I’m willing to help you overcome your own weaknesses and temptations.”
Never Lose Sight of the Great Cosmic-Historical Controversy Between Good and Evil
The Bible declares that we are in a spiritual battle in which God wants us to live in harmony with His moral standards, and Satan is trying to convince us to live according to our own cheating hearts (cf. Eph 6:10–18; Jas 4:7). God observes not only our visible social behavior but also our most private thoughts and emotions (Ps 7:9; Jer 17:10; Rom 8:27). The apostle Paul says that “we have been made a spectacle to the whole universe, to angels as well as to men” (1 Cor 4:9). And David reasoned,
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast (Ps 139:7–10).
Regrettably, many professed Christians today are so involved with, and so enchanted by, “the fleeting pleasures of sin” (Heb 11:25) that they are no longer conscious of this spiritual-moral battle. White explains very clearly,
Men who do not repent will not fail to receive according to their works. Sin may be concealed, denied, covered up from father, mother, wife, children, and associates. No one but the guilty actors may cherish the least suspicion of the wrong; but it is laid bare before the intelligences of heaven. The darkness of the darkest night, the secrecy of all deceptive arts, is not sufficient to veil one thought from the knowledge of the Eternal.29
By keeping this cosmic-historical reality in mind, one’s cheating tendencies may lose their seductiveness and power. In addition, concentrating on Jesus and loving Him as our Savior motivates believers to do His will and follow His example of living a pure life.
The Bible provides abiding moral commands and helpful practical counsels on how to live a life of moral integrity. From a biblical perspective, sexual intercourse should be restricted only to monogamous, heterosexual marriages. This implies that premarital, homosexual, and extramarital sexual affairs are transgressions of God’s moral standards. Christ’s interpretation of the seventh commandment, “You shall not commit adultery” (Exod 20:14), condemns even the sensual thoughts that precede the sexual act (Matt 5:27–29). Both physical and mental purity are also implied in the question-answer statement of Psalm 24:3–4: “Who may ascend the mountain of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place? The one who has clean hands and a pure heart.”
The three seductive individuals mentioned above—Potiphar’s wife, King David, and Amnon—remind us that extramarital affairs can have unpredictable and disastrous consequences. But even without such devastating outcomes, every affair outside of marriage tends to generate family/social problems, weakens one’s moral strength, and opens the door to the transgression of other moral commandments of the Decalogue.
In these morally degraded last days of human history (2 Tim 3:1–7), we are encouraged by God’s Word to “live holy and godly lives” (2 Pet 3:11–12). Our affair-resistant relationships can be strengthened by (1) recognizing our own vulnerability, (2) keeping our emotions under control, (3) avoiding risky places and circumstances, (4) setting borders and limits for those who do not have them, (5) valuing mature love over romantic love, (6) realizing that we are responsible for the feelings of others, (7) asking God to replace our own selfish love with His altruistic love, and (8) never losing sight of the great cosmic-historical controversy between good and evil. But these eight points need to be undergirded by a past that has been forgiven and resolved with God.
A Brazilian Parnassian poet, judge, and magistrate wrote an introspective poem titled “Secret Evil” (Mal Secreto). In this poem he says that if we could see through the mask of the face the “pain that dwells in man’s soul and destroys all dreams,” perhaps “so many people who now make us envious, would then move us to pity!”30 In reality, many human hearts are bleeding from moral wounds that refuse to heal. But we have the wonderful promise that “if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). And then “the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil 4:7). May this saving experience become a reality in our own lives, now and forever!
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1 Chrisanna Northrup, Pepper Schwartz, and James Witte, The Normal Bar: The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples and What They Reveal About Creating a New Normal in Your Relationship (New York: Harmony, 2013), 214. See also http://www.thenormalbar.com (accessed October 18, 2021).
2 Sheree Conrad and Michael Milburn, Sexual Intelligence: The Groundbreaking Study that Shows You How to Boost Your “Sex IQ” and Gain Greater Sexual Satisfaction (New York: Crown, 2001), 259, 261–262.
3 Some suggest the existence of five kinds of affairs (“5 Different Types of Extramarital Affairs,” http://www.affairhandbook.com/index.php/different-types-marital-affairs [accessed June 15, 2016]); others suggest six (Douglas LaBier, “Having An Affair? There Are Six Different Kinds,” https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-new-resilience/201004/having-affair-there-are-sixdifferent-kinds [accessed June 15, 2016]); and some even seventeen (Mira Kirshenbaum, When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships [New York: St. Martin’s Press, 2008], 35-74) kinds of affairs.
4 E.g., Douglas K. Snyder, Donald H. Baucom, and Kristina C. Gordon, Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On—Together or Apart (New York: Guilford, 2007); Kirshenbaum; Janis A. Spring and Michael Spring, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, 2nd ed. (New York: William Morrow, 2012).
5 E.g., J. Allan Petersen, The Myth of the Greener Grass (Wheaton, IL: Tyndale, 1983); E. Michael Lillibridge, The Love Book for Couples: Building a Healthy Relationship (Atlanta, GA: Humanics, 1984); Conrad and Milburn; Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-proof Marriage, rev. exp. ed. (Grand Rapids, MI: Revel, 2011).
6 All biblical quotations are from the NIV, unless otherwise noted.
7 William H. C. Propp, Exodus 19–40, The Anchor Bible 2A (New York: Doubleday, 2006), 179.
8 James K. Bruckner, Exodus, New International Bible Commentary 2 (Peabody, MA: Hendrickson, 2008), 190.
9 Carol Meyers, Exodus, The New Cambridge Bible Commentary (New York: Cambridge University Press, 2005), 175.
10 Richard M. Davison, Flame of Yahweh: Sexuality in the Old Testament (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Academic, 2007), 149–159, 174, 193–198, 200–201, 346, 434–443.
11 Ibid., 354–361.
12 Carla Clark, “Brain Sex in Men and Women—From Arousal to Orgasm,” http://brainblogger.com/2014/05/20/brain-sex-in-men-and-women-from-arousal-to-orgasm (posted May 20, 2014; accessed June 15, 2016).
13 Bill T. Arnold, Genesis, The New Cambridge Bible Commentary (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2009), 332.
14 Helpful insights into the psychosocial vulnerability of migrants are provided in Mike Donalds-on et al., eds., Migrant Men: Critical Studies of Masculinities and the Migration Experience (New York: Routledge, 2009); Oliva M. Espín, Women Crossing Boundaries: A Psychology of Immigration and Transformations of Sexuality (New York: Routledge, 1999).
15 E. G. White, Patriarchs and Prophets (Battle Creek, MI: Review and Herald, 1890), 217.
16 Arnold, 332.
17 For more detailed assessments of how ancient Egyptians punished sexual affairs with married women, see James B. Reynolds, “Sex Morals and the Law in Ancient Egypt and Babylon,” Journal of Criminal Law and Criminology 5/1 (1914): 21–22; Charlotte Booth, In Bed with the Ancient Egyptians (Gloucestershire: Amberley, 2015), 74–89.
18 April D. Westbrook, ‘And He Will Take Your Daughters …’: Woman Story and the Ethical Evaluation of Monarchy in the David Narrative (London: Bloomsbury, 2015), 113–116, 121.
19 Ibid., 129.
20 E.g., Robert Wright, “Our Cheating Hearts,” Time, International ed., Aug. 15, 1994, 26–34; David P. Barash and Judith E. Lipton, The Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People (New York: Henry Holt, 2001); David M. Buss, Evolutionary Psychology: The New Science of the Mind, 5th ed. (London and New York: Routledge, 2016), 101–191; Debra Soh, Th End of Gender: Debunking the Myths about Sex and Identity in Our Society (New York: Phreshold, 2020).
21 “Achilles,” http://www.greekmythology.comMyths/Heroes/Achilles/achilles.html (accessed January 5, 2015).
22 The Works of Epictetus: His Discourses, in Four Books, the Enchiridion, and Fragments, new rev. ed., trans. Thomas W. Higginson (New York: Thomas Nelson and Sons, [1890]), 248 (Fragments IV), https://archive.org/stream/theworksofepicte00epicuoft#page/n7/mode/2up (accessed June 15, 2016).
23 Ellen G. White, Counsels to Parents, Teachers, and Students Regarding Christian Education (Mountain View, CA: Pacific Press, 1943), 222.
24 Ellen G. White, Testimonies for the Church (Mountain View, CA: Pacific Press, 1948), 5:310.
25 Sean Chandler, “8 Things Married People Should Never Do … If They Want to Stay Married!” http://www.modernministryblog.com/s=Things+Married+People+Should+Never+Do+(posted November 5, 2013; accessed June 15, 2016).
26 Lillibridge, 7–14.
27 Terezinha Féres-Carneiro, quoted in Thaís Oyama and Lizia Bydlowski, “Até que o casamento os separe,” Veja (Brazil), March 22, 2000, 120–125.
28 Ellen G. White, The Adventist Home (Washington, DC: Review and Herald, 1980), 179.
29 Ellen G. White, “Nothing Is Hidden,” Review and Herald, March 27, 1888, 193.
30 Raimundo Correia, “Secret Evil,” trans. Carlos Alberto Santos, http://interlingua.wikia.com/wiki/Mal_secrete_en (accessed January 9, 2016).