Dialoguing with Someone You Disagree With
In any dialogue, whether in person or long-distance, it’s critical to remember this: “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Prov. 15:1).
This proverb becomes hard to practice when people disagree with you, especially if they assign wrong motives to you or unfairly criticize your position. Yet, a refusal to downward spiral into screaming rantings always pays off, even if you have to walk away from a conversation in the end. A few other guidelines can make disagreeing tolerable as well.
- Communicate one-on-one first. Jesus tell us in Matthew 18:15-20 that if we have an issue with someone, we should talk to them one on one first, before getting an entire community involved. This means that in-person conversations, or private messaging online, is a better way to go than an explosive public confrontation.
- Be sure you understand where they’re coming from first. It’s good to repeat back what the other person said and ask, “Do I have that right?” before making a comment. This ensures the other person feels heard and that you understand what you are responding to.
- Watch your words. Avoid saying “you” as it often comes across accusatory. Instead, say “I feel like” or “What I hear is . . . ” This helps drain the tension out of a hard conversation.
- Treat everyone as honest. Most people aren’t intentionally trying to deceive you or gain an unfair advantage. When you treat even the most outrageous person as honest, you keep the conversation from dissolving into insults, and give them the opportunity to respond in kind.
- Affirm what you can. You can acknowledge someone’s point, then say what issue makes it a struggle for you to accept that point, then invite the other person to help you. That way, instead of writing them off, you have affirmed their line of thinking, while at the same sharing your perspective in a way that forces them to become more self-critical of their own position. In the end, you can always agree to disagree and move on to another topic or conversation.
